My yoga instructor talked about guilt the other day. Interestingly, she attributed it to the Western world. I don’t know if they don’t have guilt in other countries, but she was right; we put ourselves through a lot of guilt for no reason.

I thought it would be fun to share our Guilt Lists and then (virtually) tear them up. Here’s mine.

• Guilt about not writing enough on all my blogs
• Guilt about not going to yoga as often as I like
• Guilt about gaining a few pounds
• Guilt about being impatient with Max
• Guilt about drinking too much
• Guilt about not being the kind of parent who volunteers at school
• Guilt about not dusting
• Guilt about not scrubbing the tub
• Guilt about not taking Max to play outside often enough

Looking at this list I see that none of it is earth-shattering. I think we as women experience more guilt than men. What do you think? And for what? It’s just another stressor in our lives.

So here and now I’m making a proclamation that we will deliberately work harder to NOT feel so guilty. The dishes can wait. We won’t blow up if we don’t exercise all week (or month). That hamburger will not go straight to our thighs.

Life is meant to be enjoyed. Let’s start doing that.

But unfortunately, I also have opinions. Strong ones. Most of the time they don’t get in the way. I love my friends and know that they make the right decisions, and I usually agree with them wholeheartedly.

But there’s this friend. Who’s been dating a crazy woman (I should say girl) for years. Seriously. Crazy. Like snakes in her head. She’s caused enough drama in his (and our) life to have her own reality tv series. And he left her. And moved far away. And all his friends cheered.

Til he moved back. And his Facebook status said Engaged.

I want to get over the fact that she’s falsely accused me of having relations with this friend. That she’s done things to him you simply don’t do in a relationship. That she’s butted in our business with this friend. That she is pure evil. I want to congratulate him and say “I wish you the best” and mean it.

But I can’t. I just can’t.

What do you do when you simply can’t muster up the enthusiasm to be happy for a friend?

By now, my heart is pounding and I’m headed out the nearest door. It was the back door. A glass panel had been broken. Full panic mode. I called the police and sat outside. The neighborhood gardener came by and looked around inside to make sure no one was there. No one was.

I became paralyzed with the fear that they’d taken the laptops. Of course they would take the laptops, right? Their thieves, so they would take the valuables. My entire existence at Egg Marketing is on 2 computers. Without them, I’m finished.

They didn’t take a single computer.

At first glance, it seemed they took a handful of useless jewelry (try hocking that, a##holes) and an empty purse. But wait, what’s that big blank spot on the dresser in my office?

Where my camera used to be.

My beloved Nikon that I have been telling myself I didn’t deserve buying for years. The one I saved up and so proudly bought not three months ago. Gone.

Upon further investigation, they also took my Flip camera (just as I decided to get back into vlogging) and the point and shoot we gave Max.

Bitches.

(Sorry Mom, there may be some ugly words in this post). And by “bitches,” I mean it. Turns out several of my neighbors saw two women in a white truck outside my house. They thought it was weird THAT ONE WAS WALKING OUT OF MY BACKYARD WITH A CAMERA BAG but shrugged it off. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They described the women and the truck but didn’t take down the license plate. So we’re sunk. I have no hope of my stuff coming back.

At first I was stunned. In shock. But now I’m fucking mad. Fuck! (sorry Mom). It’s such an invasion of privacy to have your stuff rifled through and the single most personal item I own taken. It hurts my heart.

And the hub said they had to be watching us and our patterns. Because the entire thing happened within 10 minutes of me leaving.

Of all the houses in all the world, they had to rob ours.

Looked out window. Saw snow. Snow?? Snow was NOT in the forecast.

“Hey Max. It snowed. Uhhh, I better make sure you have school.”

School cancelled. Great. I don’t have to pretend to get dressed.

We’re leaving for our trip to Montreal Wednesday, so mother-in-law, hereto referred to as Granny, was due to arrive this afternoon at 4. Cleaning spurts ensue in between bouts of work.

2 o’clock rolls around. She calls. Her connecting flight from Houston is cancelled. Hopes to get on the 7 pm flight. Doesn’t happen. By 7 pm she is comfortably nestled in the in-airport hotel and our nerves are shot. All plans shot to hell.

And to top it off, the snow is slushy and no fun. Spent longer getting suited up than actually playing in the snow.

A nice dip in the temperature means she’ll probably miss her early flight tomorrow, and who wants to mess with ice-covered slush-snow? Sigh. Hope we make our flight on Wednesday.

Still, I felt better at soccer practice. Day 1 there was a 6-year-old sobbing like someone was beating him because he did not want to play soccer. I watched his mom coax, cajole and threaten him out of the corner of my eye and I wanted to hug her. Because I understood. Max has done the same thing. (That kid is now the best player on the team a few weeks later).

At their first game, the son of a couple I’ve befriended started crying on the field. He wanted his mommy. She might have been embarrassed, but I knew how she felt. They eventually pulled him and took him home.

He’s not the only one.

When you have one child, you don’t have much to compare to. You can look at other kids but it’s the behind-the-scenes stuff you can’t measure. Is it normal? Are you handling it right? Know what I mean?

By the way, Max is ROCKING at soccer! He’s not the fastest, but he’s dedicated. Sigh of relief.

Not me. Not by a long shot.

I don’t mind the 5-mile walks. I’ve found a walking buddy and rather enjoy them (except today when I have a headache and it’s cloudy).

I do miss foods I didn’t even like before. Like Twinkies. Mmm. Or big gooey pizza. I start planning my Anything Day the day after. Liquor, bread, grease, sweets…this week I really want homemade cupcakes with chocolate frosting. Buttercream, not whipped.

I’ve realized how food obsessed we are in this country. Going to the grocery store is like trying to dodge land mines. Those hush puppies are calling me. LOOK AWAY! It is my hope that after I reach my weight loss goal I can better manage the carb addiction and not let it pack on the weight like it has done.

Time for another protein shake. Sigh.

]]> http://www.sometimesparentingsucks.com/losing-5-pounds-is-effin-hard/feed 0 http://www.sometimesparentingsucks.com/sharing-a-child-sucks http://www.sometimesparentingsucks.com/sharing-a-child-sucks#comments Fri, 17 Jul 2009 13:07:45 +0000 admin http://www.sometimesparentingsucks.com/?p=380 Whether Husband and I get back together or not, right now we’re sharing Max. He travels here on the weekends and Max hangs out. Today is the first day they’ll go away. They’ll stay in a hotel for one night.

While I’m dying to have some time away from the barnacle that has attached itself to my leg for a month, I find myself shaky with the prospect of being without Max. I know I’ll be antsy and ready for him to come home. It’s good it’s only one night.

I still can’t fathom being a single mom. Being the one who cooks for him every single day, even when I don’t want to. It may all work out in the end, but for now it is what it is.

I’m going out with my best friend. We will get drunk and I will forget that back at home no one is waiting for me.

Heartless, I know. But wait. It comes back to bite me in the butt.

I want to tell you something I’m going through with my business. I’d post it on my Marketing blog, but it’s more about my personal reaction so I thought it better here.

A client who I’ve known a long time fired me yesterday. Without warning (or so I believed; he thought he gave plenty of warning). He said we weren’t clicking. After 2 weeks on his new project. After working with him on various projects for over a year. After he built me up about this new company and made me feel like I would be part of it.

Needless to say, I cried like a 4-year-old.

I’ve lost clients before. Even (and especially) big ones. Due to money, due to results, whatever. I was disappointed, but not like this. This guy has been my biggest champion. He defended my crazy Naked Bed idea to our previous client. He’s told me how talented I am. So why, out of the blue, am I suddenly full of bad ideas? I can’t figure it out.

Over a midday (shut up) glass of wine I pondered whether he hadn’t taken his medicine. Whether the marketing person was out to get me and poisoned his mind. And I realized it didn’t matter because I would never know. I kept telling myself, don’t take it personally.

Ha. Easier said than done. Those of you who own small businesses know that you are enmeshed in every single piece of paper, every action, every success, every failure. And to the one client that I would have gladly duplicated a few months ago, simply because he got what I was doing, I feel like shouting “It’s not fair!”

Yes, there is the irony. I hear myself and say, “You’re going to have to get over it, sweetie. Move on. Learn from it.” (I’m trying to be really nice to myself and call myself sweet names and buy myself chocolate through this business breakup).

I want it to make sense. I don’t want to take this as a sign that I am ultimately a failure as Egg simply because I can’t keep a client long enough to have great success. But my shred of dignity is telling me not to and to close my mind from this until I can deal with it. (The fact that I’m writing this post the next day is a pretty big step).

So I’m doing just that. I’m focusing my energy on our yet unfinalized plans for the summer and will allow myself to heal from this experience. Now I just need to fill the financial void this has left. Anyone need mediocre marketing from a girl who doesn’t pick up signals very well?

Buddha can handle lots of kids…Can I?

The hub and I have that conversation: do we want another? Of course, all the usual roadblocks appear, the biggest of which is financial. But he points out frequently that I want to tear my hair out with Max sometimes, so why would I bring that upon myself with another?

My argument is that I want Max to be more balanced; to have to co-exist with another little person. I want to get to know another child, who would have a completely different personality from Max. And yes, I want all that babyness, despite the fact I know I am glossing over the sleepless nights, getting poohed on, and crying for hours on end (not to mention the baby crying). But sometimes I do want another.

But on those days when I feel like a bad mother, I wonder What could you be thinking, bringing another child into your controlling, short fuse life??

So if you see me, please don’t ask me when we’re having another. Because frankly, I don’t know.

At least I recognize it. It’s funny, I started this blog to deal with my impatience with him. Then things got a lot better. Now we’re there again.

I try to ask myself before I say “no,” What’s a good reason for saying no? Do I have one? If not, maybe you shouldn’t say it. But just like with my mom, I find myself being fickle just because I can.

Any advice?