I don’t write much about the misery I’ve been suffering ever since I found out my husband was a sex addict and have been dealing with being a single mom. I can’t. Just like I can’t dwell on it every minute of my life, or else…I’ll be in a very dark place. So I write about the happy times, about the memories I’m making with my son.

But I wanted to tell you how this blog has saved me a few times over. First of all, one of the women he was with was Googling him and found my blog, thus finding out he was married. Just as I guess I would do in the same situation, she reached out to me to tell me what had been going on. Not unkindly, just as a heads up. If she hadn’t, I would still be living in the fake plastic bubble I’ve been in for years.

Second, I’ve had such strong support from all of you through my blog. I can’t thank you enough for that. To be in a town I don’t really want to be in, feeling like my life is on hold and I have no one to talk to is tough. But virtual friends do an amazing job of being supportive. I cherish every comment you guys make, and I feel like you’re with me, holding my hand. Some of you I know, others I have yet to meet. But thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And the latest way the blog has saved me is that it helped another woman who survived her husband being a sex addict find me. She has left really supportive comments and we’ve emailed a few times. I feel I have an ally who I can look to as a success story. And she’s made me realize there are lots of great blogs like hers and resources for codependents (that’s what they call the partners of sex addicts).

I’m not alone. I have this blog, and all the wonderful things it brings me.

Whether Husband and I get back together or not, right now we’re sharing Max. He travels here on the weekends and Max hangs out. Today is the first day they’ll go away. They’ll stay in a hotel for one night.

While I’m dying to have some time away from the barnacle that has attached itself to my leg for a month, I find myself shaky with the prospect of being without Max. I know I’ll be antsy and ready for him to come home. It’s good it’s only one night.

I still can’t fathom being a single mom. Being the one who cooks for him every single day, even when I don’t want to. It may all work out in the end, but for now it is what it is.

I’m going out with my best friend. We will get drunk and I will forget that back at home no one is waiting for me.

I’m having what I call one of my “sad days.” Sad days can be triggered by emails or talks between me and husband, or a song, or nothing at all. Today it’s the first.

Things had been progressing pretty well, I’d thought. I do what I normally do, which is bury my head in the sand and only see what’s good. Apparently we’re not on the page in our healing process. This hurts, and I’ve withdrawn.

I don’t feel like I have anyone I can talk to. When you tell a friend or family member something bad, they magnify it and remember it 10 times longer than the good stuff. Know what I mean? Friend 1 is busy with her business and family, and doesn’t really reach out to me in the emotional way I need. Friend 2 is an hour away. Friend 3? Well, he’s a wreck. Mom’s dealing with her own feelings about Husband, and I don’t like stressing her out.

I feel like people who go to prison and say “I’m innocent! I don’t deserve this!” I dont know how I suddenly find myself single, raising my son, on the brink of welfare. Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Has my life with him been so lopsided that without him, I am reduced to this gelatinous pool of goo?

I have the strength inside me somewhere to prevail, I know it. It just seems to be asleep right now.

And next week is BlogHer, the mega conference I was so looking forward to going to. I forsook my ticket bc I thought I was moving to China with my happy little family. My Orlando ladies, have a great time for me.